Part Two

It has almost been a week.

It’s been an absolute roller coaster of emotions this week, so much sadness and loss in my heart. I am usually such a level headed person, I keep with reality. But not now, not now in this moment where I cannot bare to accept what reality is. It is over, why can’t I accept it?

I continue to read the messages he sent me, the reasons he can’t be with me, hoping it will sink in. He can’t be in a relationship where he feels guilty all the time. I could accept that if I was directly causing the guilt, but I was not. He was creating the guilt through himself, he feels he can’t be there for me and that his business has consumed his soul. But he was always there for me, I never got in his way? Again he tells me he loves me. How can you love someone and not fight for them? He says I did everything right, that I am amazing and understanding and that in itself makes it so much harder for him? That I am the most selfless person he has ever met and that I don’t deserve any of this and he still truly cares about me.

That is not closure. How am I supposed to move on from someone who loves me, who is going through such a difficult stage and needs support? Someone who I connect with on such a deep level, a level I’ve never connected with another human being before. Will I ever connect with someone like that again?

I wake up in the morning staring at my phone. No messages from him, of course. It takes all of me not to send him my usual good morning message. University is a good distraction, I got through the day with little thought of him and no tears. Until I get into bed, then they don’t stop. I can’t stop them. I try to forget, forget about him and the world we lived in, but how can I?

Facebook, what a horrific thing at times of a break up. He changes his profile picture to a photo of him not us. Such a small insignificant thing any other time in your life, but not now,  now it is the most painful thing you could feel. Like a game, I change mine too.
Facebook is the worst reminder. His business, the business I was there through the painful start up, the days of uncertainty, it’s all over Facebook. He shares, our friends share, his brothers share. Its all over my feed and I can’t look away. I read and I read. I cry and I cry.  How can I switch off from something I feel so apart, something I am no longer apart of. I am just like any other outsider, all i know about what is going on is through Facebook. I can’t look away. I want to know, I need to know. My friends, My colleagues all ask how the business is going, they all want to know the ins and out. I can’t escape it. I couldn’t even if i wanted to.

He will be on the news this week. He told me the day he broke up with me. Now I need to see it, I’m holding out to see it as if it’s something to do with me. But it doesn’t anymore. Monday, I caved and messaged him, asking when it would air. “interview recorded this arvo, broadcasted on Wednesday night” I wished him luck and he thanked me. Tuesday, I asked him when I could return his things back to him, he said “they are just things, it’s ok you can keep them”. I told him i don’t need any reminders, not anymore than I already had. “Pretty sure if I saw your face atm I will turn into a puddle on the floor right now” this statement hurt more that it should have. Is he really hurting that much? Is he really as upset as I was over this whole situation. How could he, he wanted this, he made the decision. He has so much a head of him to keep on with to push forward, I have little compared to him. Tuesday night, his name pops up on my phone screen and my heart did a little flip, my world light up for a moment. “it might be on ABC tonight. News is running now” and i sink right back into the dark place I’ve been in. I told him I appreciated him keeping me in the loop, which I do. It didn’t air, “yeah tomorrow looks good” he told me. Was that on purpose? Wednesday, I resisted the urge all day to message him while I was at work. Being at work was a lot harder than I predicted, I made it through the day but with a fair few weak moments. I watched the whole news, for 2 hours, nothing. Did I miss it? “Nope it didn’t air tonight. Maybe tomorrow, the reporter hasn’t told me when”. Is he screwing me around? He isn’t the kind of person to do that tho. I guess I’ll be watching the news again tonight.

Why was I so obsessed with seeing it? Why can’t I be strong and just leave it be, leave him be. The only reason I can even accept the break up is because I always told him I would never stand in the way of him and his dreams. I would never ask him to do that, to put his dreams on hold to make us works. Part of me wishes I’d never said that, that I made a fuss about it all and been demanding and made him feel guilty or putting me second. But I can’t, I love him, I would never do that to him.

If you love them set them free. This is the only reason I said I would accept him breaking up with me. I love him so much and all I want is him to be happy.
If they return they are yours.  I know he won’t return, I know he is no longer mine. My brain can accept this, but my heart has a long way to go.
If they don’t, they never were. 

 

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Part One

Even crying hurts now, but not more than the pain my heart feels.

That pain in your throat, the tears that swell up your eyes, I am so tired I cry and yawn at the same time, it all hurts. At the time I barley cried, only small tears compared to his distraught cries. I don’t know if I couldn’t cry because it didn’t seem real or because he was so emotional I couldn’t bare to make him feel worse. The words he spoke have already become a blur, what did he say exactly? He said he loved me, which is what made it so difficult? If you loved me why break my heart? Why let this go? WHY LET ME GO!?!

Seeing all my belongings stacked so neatly on the sidewalk next to his car, how long had he been waiting to summon me outside my house?

I knew what was happening, before he said a word, before I saw my things. I knew the entire week and was just wishing it wouldn’t happen. Some call it a sixth sense, or intuition, I think it’s simply because I know him so well, I know his behaviors, his patterns, his feelings. All week, every night my subconscious pumped itself into my dreams. Night after night, he would break up with me for different reasons, non made any sense, just like the real reason he gave.

It was over in less than 5 minutes, 5 minutes is all I was given for a year and a half worth of love. He said he is spread to thin with work, that he can’t be in a relationship where he doesn’t give his 100%. I wasn’t expecting 100%, I knew his situation, I was so understanding, more than I know others in my situation would be.

I don’t remember what else he said something about me being so understanding about his situation and been there since the beginning? Then why?

“I can’t do this, I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know what I’m doing” then he got into his car and drove. As he walked away it was almost slow motion, like I was supposed to grab his hand or scream for him not to go.

I wish I had. I just sat there on the side walk, head in knees, tears pouring down my cheeks and let him walk away.

WHY?!?!
Why didn’t I say something? Why couldn’t I tell him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, how I would do almost anything for him.

I couldn’t. I’ve been here before, not with him, and all I could think about is last time. I am not going to beg to be given a second chance, I am not going to show my true hurting. I will never expose myself like I did that time. I was a fool. I truly did nothing wrong!

I cried the moment I saw my sister, cigarette in her hand as always, sitting out the front in the dark. That’s when it hit me, not carrying my things in from the side walk to my own home, but carrying his snorkel set. The snorkels I had brought for us earlier in the year, he returned both, not just mine. It was his as a present why would I want yet another reminder, clearly you didn’t.

Was this a cry for help? Was this a test?
Should I have chased after him? Was I supposed to prove myself?

Nothing makes sense right now expect, What did I do to deserve this?

He has been beyond stressed out with work, I know I stay around too much. But I don’t hassle, I don’t complain. I did everything I could to accommodate him, make him happy, keeping him to keep going. Is this just some space needed to clear his head, or is it my time to prove once and for all that I’m here through think and thin. I thought I’d already proved myself? How can I continue to show him? Do I message him or call him to tell him I haven’t given up? Do I press him for answers? OR do I give him space? Let him clear his head and risk the chance to prove my loyalty?

So many memories coming back from last time. Though last time was so different, it all starts to feel the same. The lead up to knowing it is coming, not knowing how to stop it. I am too accommodating, I’ve learnt that now. Both times I have put my heart and soul on the line to make the other person happy and all it has done is driven them away.

Do I need to start being a crazy demanding girlfriend to make it work. Hassle them, demand for attention, create problems? It’s not who I am. I am told I’m rare, yet apparently too rare, so rare in fact no one can handle me.

Where do you turn too when the person you turn to isn’t there? I love my friends, but its not who I want to speak too. Mum is on the other side of the country, she called, we both cried. She always cries for me. She knows my precious heart can only take so much. She knows I truly don’t deserve this!

You reading this, you don’t know me. You probably know this pain all to well.
But this isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I am Happy and I am Strong.
This is just my way of dealing with life.

XXX