Part One

Even crying hurts now, but not more than the pain my heart feels.

That pain in your throat, the tears that swell up your eyes, I am so tired I cry and yawn at the same time, it all hurts. At the time I barley cried, only small tears compared to his distraught cries. I don’t know if I couldn’t cry because it didn’t seem real or because he was so emotional I couldn’t bare to make him feel worse. The words he spoke have already become a blur, what did he say exactly? He said he loved me, which is what made it so difficult? If you loved me why break my heart? Why let this go? WHY LET ME GO!?!

Seeing all my belongings stacked so neatly on the sidewalk next to his car, how long had he been waiting to summon me outside my house?

I knew what was happening, before he said a word, before I saw my things. I knew the entire week and was just wishing it wouldn’t happen. Some call it a sixth sense, or intuition, I think it’s simply because I know him so well, I know his behaviors, his patterns, his feelings. All week, every night my subconscious pumped itself into my dreams. Night after night, he would break up with me for different reasons, non made any sense, just like the real reason he gave.

It was over in less than 5 minutes, 5 minutes is all I was given for a year and a half worth of love. He said he is spread to thin with work, that he can’t be in a relationship where he doesn’t give his 100%. I wasn’t expecting 100%, I knew his situation, I was so understanding, more than I know others in my situation would be.

I don’t remember what else he said something about me being so understanding about his situation and been there since the beginning? Then why?

“I can’t do this, I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know what I’m doing” then he got into his car and drove. As he walked away it was almost slow motion, like I was supposed to grab his hand or scream for him not to go.

I wish I had. I just sat there on the side walk, head in knees, tears pouring down my cheeks and let him walk away.

WHY?!?!
Why didn’t I say something? Why couldn’t I tell him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, how I would do almost anything for him.

I couldn’t. I’ve been here before, not with him, and all I could think about is last time. I am not going to beg to be given a second chance, I am not going to show my true hurting. I will never expose myself like I did that time. I was a fool. I truly did nothing wrong!

I cried the moment I saw my sister, cigarette in her hand as always, sitting out the front in the dark. That’s when it hit me, not carrying my things in from the side walk to my own home, but carrying his snorkel set. The snorkels I had brought for us earlier in the year, he returned both, not just mine. It was his as a present why would I want yet another reminder, clearly you didn’t.

Was this a cry for help? Was this a test?
Should I have chased after him? Was I supposed to prove myself?

Nothing makes sense right now expect, What did I do to deserve this?

He has been beyond stressed out with work, I know I stay around too much. But I don’t hassle, I don’t complain. I did everything I could to accommodate him, make him happy, keeping him to keep going. Is this just some space needed to clear his head, or is it my time to prove once and for all that I’m here through think and thin. I thought I’d already proved myself? How can I continue to show him? Do I message him or call him to tell him I haven’t given up? Do I press him for answers? OR do I give him space? Let him clear his head and risk the chance to prove my loyalty?

So many memories coming back from last time. Though last time was so different, it all starts to feel the same. The lead up to knowing it is coming, not knowing how to stop it. I am too accommodating, I’ve learnt that now. Both times I have put my heart and soul on the line to make the other person happy and all it has done is driven them away.

Do I need to start being a crazy demanding girlfriend to make it work. Hassle them, demand for attention, create problems? It’s not who I am. I am told I’m rare, yet apparently too rare, so rare in fact no one can handle me.

Where do you turn too when the person you turn to isn’t there? I love my friends, but its not who I want to speak too. Mum is on the other side of the country, she called, we both cried. She always cries for me. She knows my precious heart can only take so much. She knows I truly don’t deserve this!

You reading this, you don’t know me. You probably know this pain all to well.
But this isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I am Happy and I am Strong.
This is just my way of dealing with life.

XXX

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